Thursday, August 27, 2009

And I turned 26

On my 26th birthday last September I had a mini breakdown. I realized that if I was to get pregnant in the upcoming year I would more than likely be 27 before I had a baby. That was not the plan at all! I had always planned to have all my children by the time I turned 30. I wanted 4. Boo.

Life was definitely not going as I had seen it. I had been on birth control pills for a few years by that point. This was the biggest mistake of my life to that point. While on the BCP I slowly watched myself become CRAZY. I screamed and cried at Mark ALL the time. At the lowest point while on the BCP I remember Mark was working for Toyota at the time and I was home alone at night. I was watching Akeela and the Bee and bawling my eyes out! I couldn't get a grip on my emotions AT ALL. I remember having really dark thoughts (like while standing on the washer trying to reach our beach towels, "what would happen if I just threw myself off the washer?" Not really thoughts about killing myself but definite thoughts of death and such) At the time I didn't realize that this was going on but once I stopped the BCP I noticed the lack of these type of thoughts and then realized I was CRAZY!

So in September we decided this is it. We aren't going to renew the prescription. So I finished the pack and threw away the sugar pills and never looked back.

And then the road got a little bumpy.

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