Impatient

So I guess I'm not a 14 day ovulator. I'm on day 14 and no sign of fertile CM. NO SIGN AT ALL. Maybe it's because I'm looking too hard. But I'm still charting away! I am proud of myself for that even if I think my chart looks weird.

Plus Mark and I are super frustrated with the whole process right now. We keep wondering if maybe we should take a break from it all and save some more money. We just feel like we have a lot of random debt right now and he's taking a class to finish his degree. (He should have it finished in 3 or 4 more classes.) And we found out there are going to be more cuts at my job around Christmas. Our bosses don't think it will come from the news room but still you never know. I just don't want to wait. My perfect life plan is already behind schedule. I know it's selfish BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT. If only we knew that we would get a positive in the next couple months. It's the not knowing that's driving me crazy and make me doubt it all.

Having a baby is seriously all I can think about these days. It keeps me constantly stressed out and I know Mark is sick of hearing about the state of my CM. The look of disgust comes on his face immediately when I bring it up just thinking about the descriptors I'm about to use to describe what is coming out of my body. (He's decided the word 'mucus' can never be uttered around him again. Only the world 'fluid' will be accepted around him right now.)

We'll see what the next few days bring.

Ready to start again!

So now we are to the last month or two. For the last few months we've been putting forth effort and hoping for an embryo! But no such luck.

I admitted defeat this month and bought Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I've read the first part. I dusted off the Basil thermometer and found my password to fertilityfriend.com and started taking my temp each morning at 7 a.m.

We have moved past the 'let's see what happens' stage and we are entering 'let's get down to business.'

Each month I 'watch' my new 'friends' get pregnant and I see my old friends on facebook announce pregnancies and post new pics of their babies and all I can think of is "I want that!' (ok and 'I really hate them!' but you know that's just the bitter, selfish me poking herself out because I'm really happy for all my 'friends')

Now anytime now I'm expecting a call telling me my cousin is in labor. The cousin who got pregnant in January, the month I wanted to get pregnant in and while I'm really happy for her and can't wait to hold her baby girl, all I can really think is 'Gosh, I wish that were me.'

So now here we are. Waiting for me to ovulate so we can 'get down to business' and I'm just so tired.

And then there is March

March comes along. We are 'just seeing what happens' but wait! I have MANY pregnancy symptoms! I have slight nausea, I have excessive saliva, I have sensitivity to smells, I'm super emotional. .... I MUST BE PREGNANT!!

Mark thinks I'm pregnant. He's pretty positive I am. So here comes time to pee on a stick! We go and buy the super expensive ones and gather 'round the bathroom expecting to see that BIG FAT POSITIVE. .... NOTHING. BIG FAT NEGATIVE. What???!!! That can't be right I was sooooo sure that I was pregnant.

Nope here comes the period.

Now the depression sneaks up.

And the next few months are a bust because I can't get my head back into the 'game.' I am just so sad. And this is a lot harder than we thought it would be.

Catching you up

Since it's been almost a year since we threw out the birth control pills, it might take a few posts to catch everyone up to the present day.

Basically once I stopped the BCP I started taking folic acid in it's place every night. Plus my doctor told me to wait three months or three good periods after we stopped before we actually started trying to make a baby.

I didn't have any problems with the periods and by January 2009 we were ready to 'get busy.' But Mark felt we were going to take the 'let's see what happens' approach. Little did he know I was logging into the Nest.com Getting Pregnant message board. I became fast 'friends' with many of the girls there, where we would share our stories and encourage each other along this frustrating journey of seeking fertilization! :)

So I was chatting away with my new friends and obsessively reading about getting pregnant. I read Getting Pregnant, What to Expect BEFORE You're Expecting, Fertility and Conception, How to Guide to Getting Pregnant. And just because I was becoming obsessed Baby Bargains, Pregnancy Week by Week and What to Expect While You're Expecting. Let's just say I wanted to be prepared! The only thing I didn't read was Taking Charge of Your Fertility. On the GP board this was THE book and I was putting off reading it for some reason.

So while Mark was in his dream world that we were 'just seeing what happens' I was quickly becoming an 'expert' in all things fertility.

And I turned 26

On my 26th birthday last September I had a mini breakdown. I realized that if I was to get pregnant in the upcoming year I would more than likely be 27 before I had a baby. That was not the plan at all! I had always planned to have all my children by the time I turned 30. I wanted 4. Boo.

Life was definitely not going as I had seen it. I had been on birth control pills for a few years by that point. This was the biggest mistake of my life to that point. While on the BCP I slowly watched myself become CRAZY. I screamed and cried at Mark ALL the time. At the lowest point while on the BCP I remember Mark was working for Toyota at the time and I was home alone at night. I was watching Akeela and the Bee and bawling my eyes out! I couldn't get a grip on my emotions AT ALL. I remember having really dark thoughts (like while standing on the washer trying to reach our beach towels, "what would happen if I just threw myself off the washer?" Not really thoughts about killing myself but definite thoughts of death and such) At the time I didn't realize that this was going on but once I stopped the BCP I noticed the lack of these type of thoughts and then realized I was CRAZY!

So in September we decided this is it. We aren't going to renew the prescription. So I finished the pack and threw away the sugar pills and never looked back.

And then the road got a little bumpy.