Tomorrows the day

My appointment is tomorrow!! I can't wait. I have no idea what to expect. I'm so excited and nervous all at once. I know we are getting an ultrasound. That's the part I'm MOST excited for and I think it's first thing. I'm really nervous about the rest of the appointment. I hate the annual visits but I'm thinking that maybe because I'm going to see the baby that I'll be able to get through the rest of it. Propping my legs up on the table is not something I look forward too. Especially since I think I'm seeing my 'new' doctor. It's a man! I usually see the nurse practitioner. She doesn't do babies though :( Maybe I'll get lucky and get to see her for the first appointment. That would be ideal.

Mark is going with me to the first appointment. He's super excited about going for the ultrasound. I think he's like me and is uneasy about the rest of the appointment.

I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.

Counting down the days

It's the week of my first appointment. I'm so excited and nervous all at the same time. I can't wait until Thursday. I have so much going through my mind as I wait. Some ridiculous and some just crazy. I just want to get there and get confirmation that everything is going ok with my pregnancy. I've had the minor cramping and brown spotting since around 4 and a half or 5 weeks. I know it can be normal but I just want to make sure that mine is ok.

Then my mom and husband decided they would put knew crazy thoughts into my head. Like I can't come up with crazy thoughts on my own. My mom keeps asking if I think it's possible that I could have twins. (I'm a twin so it's all she knows) I think that that's a pretty slim chance. She conceived us while on clomid and that increases the chances of twins so I think that's where that comes from.

I found my mom huddled in the corner on Christmas gossiping with Mark about my supposed 'bump.' They have decided that I look way further along than 8 weeks and that maybe I actually conceived in October and therefore am further along than I think. I did have that phantom UTI in October that I could have sworn it was a UTI only to have the test come back negative. That lasted for a few weeks in October and then went away. I did have a period but I don't remember how heavy it was. I also took a negative Dollar Store pregnancy test. But now Mark thinks maybe I threw it away before the results registered. I didn't let him look at it so he doesn't believe it was negative.

When we got the positive all my Dollar Store tests were super faint and they never got darker. I never took a digital in October. My digital changed to positive at what I think would have been about 10 dpo.

Also tonight my friends all decided I 'looked' pregnant. And truthfully I'm starting to wonder. I can definitely feel my stomach below my belly button and it's really hard. My friend let me push on her nonpregnant belly bloat and it's definitely way more squishy than what I have going on. I really don't think I should be able to feel my uterus at this point.

So now I'm doubting all things I thought I knew. I just want to yell 'It's bloat people! It's bloat!' But I'm wondering if there is a chance I conceived a month earlier....

I guess I'll find out on Thursday! Just a few more days and I'll have all kinds of answers.....
Is the baby ok? How big is the baby? How many weeks am I? And is there only one in there??

Always waiting

I thought the two week wait was horrible. Well I think I was wrong. This last week was soooooo long it wasn't funny. And I have a couple more weeks before I get to my first appointment. This week has been pretty overwhelming for me. I had some brown spotting and some light cramping. Not knowing what to expect, I was freaked out. I called the doctor yesterday and they assured me that it was normal to have the brown spotting and even the cramping. I'm to take it easy until my next appointment and call if things get worse or different.

My first appointment is Dec. 31st. This in itself puts me in a dilema. Do we go ahead and tell our family at Christmas as we had planned or wait until New Years? I really want to tell but I really want to make sure everything is ok before we start blabbing to the relatives. We've already told every member of our immediate family possible. I just worry that something may go wrong and then I'll have to deliver that awful news to EVERYONE.

I don't know how I'm going to make it to Dec. 31st. I'm ready to push past Christmas and get to the New Year.

It's finally happened

I'm pregnant. After 11 long months of waiting we found out the Sunday after Thanksgiving that I was pregnant. This month we decided to try PreSeed. That's really the only thing different we did. We used it everytime this month. I wish I had broke down and spent the 20 dollars sooner. It was well worth it. Now we sit and wait until Dec. 31st which is my first appointment.

Still waiting

I got tested for a UTI. Negative. I told the person who took me back for the test that I was TTC (she herself was VERY pregnant). She said she had issues with UTIs when she was trying. So when she called with my negative results she said .... 'This could be a good thing!' *in a really excited voice* Really that's not what a 2wwer at 4 dpo needs to hear!! So yesterday I was CONVINCED I was pregnant. Today not so much. And the downward spiral begins.

The craziness begins

I'm 3 dpo.....I have a headache, may be getting a UTI and slight pain in my back. And the analyzing starts. 

Waiting again

I think I'm in the 2ww! My temp. went of gradually the last two days so I'm waiting to see what Fertility friend is going to tell me. And I have a confession to make. I think out of the 10 cycles we have been trying to have a baby this one counts the most! We put forth major effort this month. I know I wasn't ovulating during the time were were trying for the first at least 6 months and this month I really think we had good timing. I know with great timing it can take awhile but I just have such hope for this one. I pulled out all the stops and Mark is now exhausted!! And I think I'm developing a UTI from all that 'trying.' :) But if I'm pregnant it will be worth it! I started my cranberry pills today and now I'm sitting and waiting to see what happens.

And the wait begins

It seems like trying to have a baby is all about waiting. Right now I'm waiting to ovulate and then I'll be waiting to test. I'm on day 12-ish of my cycle and since last cycle I didn't ovulate until day 18 or 20 I still have a while. I've always been an impatient person and this is driving me crazy! I think I'm going to buy another pregnancy book because that helped pass the time while I was in cycle 1 through 5-ish. I'm going to know more about conceiving and babies than I ever thought I would by the time I finally get pregnant. I guess I'll be making a bookstore stop this weekend!

New addition

Today has been a bit of a rough day for me. I think by tomorrow I will be onto cycle 9 or 10 (I'm losing count). My temp dropped a bit this morning.

Also my day began with my mom calling me at 8 to tell me my cousin was at the hospital having her baby. While I was very excited, I was also a little sad. My cousin announced her pregnancy at the end of our first official trying to conceive month. I was so excited for her at the time because I couldn't help but think we would have babies at the same time. 

This baby was very much a surprise for her and she wasn't expecting to be pregnant at this stage in her life but I was sooo excited thinking I would be going through it with her. Each month I was like 'That's ok because we will still have a baby close together.'

Well today she had her baby girl. She was 37 weeks and I'm not even on week one yet. 

My mom called me at 1030 to tell me to go up to the hospital to check on things. My whole extended family was at work so I was acting as family representative. While I was brushing my teeth she called to tell me the baby was here and I needed to hurry up.  She was born at 1039.

So I drove up to the hospital, tearing up a little on the way but handling it pretty well. I got to the hospital at 1115 and rushed up to the room. I walked in and saw the baby and felt myself tearing up but I got it together before anyone noticed and got to see my new cousin. 

Today really just makes me want to put even more effort into next cycle. I think now that we are charting things are going to be better. I'm just really ready to start my period and get this next cycle started. I know that when we are ready God is going to give us the baby we are supposed to have but days like today make me really impatient for that day to come sooner rather than later.

So even though I'm sad and wish I were sharing in the joy with my older cousin, I'm also relishing in the fact that 'I got to see the baby first out of all my large extended family!!!' And within 20-ish minutes of her being born!!! And I will be parking it on the couch baby hogging this new baby this weekend and taking her the hand-made quilt I made especially for her. 

Now if they would just name her I would be really happy!

Shredding

I've gained quite a bit of weight over the last few months. I kept thinking 'I'll get pregnant and then it won't matter.' Well I'm not pregnant and I'm starting to look like I have a little bump growing. If I'm not going to be pregnant I can't look like I'm pregnant because then I start daydreaming that I am and the bumps real. This just leaves me further up the crazy ladder.

So I'm starting the 30 Day Shred. I know it's going to be tough but I really think I'll start to feel better once I shed those pounds I've gained. I seriously used the excuse to Mark not too long ago that I was just padding my nest for our embryo.

It's really time I re-evaluate and stop late-night snacking.

And we are waiting

Well this is my first month charting and I think it's going well. There were a few nights that I couldn't sleep so that might have thrown my temps off but I think overall everything is looking good. It appears that I ovulate later than I was expecting, which could explain a lot. My chart has me ovulating on day 17. I'm really not expecting a big fat positive(bfp) this month because I was confused with my chart and frustrated and then Mark hurt his back so that really wrecked our chances for the month I think. But there is still a slim chance and I'm going to hold onto it! :) I told him next month he can't do anything to his body or mind to get us off track. I just thought I would update the blog as to where we are right now. Not much is happening just waiting until we can test.

The signs point to

All signs point that I'm ovulating. That would be a good thing right? Wrong. Mark has injured his back and can't move. I told him I thought his body was rebelling against having a baby. Last month he was weird about it all during the time I was ovulating and this month he can't move. But at least I'm charting now! It just seems like the more effort I put into watching for the signs and learning about what's going on with my body the more he pulls away from it all. But then he goes and tells me he found a perfect shirt to order for me when I am pregnant. I'm like well to actually be able to buy me that shirt I must first get pregnant and you are totally dropping the ball in that area! Oh and he helped me clean up our extra/baby room this last weekend. He threw out a ton of his stuff that he refused to get rid of on all the previous attempts to clean. The signals I'm getting are really mixed this month.

Impatient

So I guess I'm not a 14 day ovulator. I'm on day 14 and no sign of fertile CM. NO SIGN AT ALL. Maybe it's because I'm looking too hard. But I'm still charting away! I am proud of myself for that even if I think my chart looks weird.

Plus Mark and I are super frustrated with the whole process right now. We keep wondering if maybe we should take a break from it all and save some more money. We just feel like we have a lot of random debt right now and he's taking a class to finish his degree. (He should have it finished in 3 or 4 more classes.) And we found out there are going to be more cuts at my job around Christmas. Our bosses don't think it will come from the news room but still you never know. I just don't want to wait. My perfect life plan is already behind schedule. I know it's selfish BUT I DON'T WANT TO WAIT. If only we knew that we would get a positive in the next couple months. It's the not knowing that's driving me crazy and make me doubt it all.

Having a baby is seriously all I can think about these days. It keeps me constantly stressed out and I know Mark is sick of hearing about the state of my CM. The look of disgust comes on his face immediately when I bring it up just thinking about the descriptors I'm about to use to describe what is coming out of my body. (He's decided the word 'mucus' can never be uttered around him again. Only the world 'fluid' will be accepted around him right now.)

We'll see what the next few days bring.

Ready to start again!

So now we are to the last month or two. For the last few months we've been putting forth effort and hoping for an embryo! But no such luck.

I admitted defeat this month and bought Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I've read the first part. I dusted off the Basil thermometer and found my password to fertilityfriend.com and started taking my temp each morning at 7 a.m.

We have moved past the 'let's see what happens' stage and we are entering 'let's get down to business.'

Each month I 'watch' my new 'friends' get pregnant and I see my old friends on facebook announce pregnancies and post new pics of their babies and all I can think of is "I want that!' (ok and 'I really hate them!' but you know that's just the bitter, selfish me poking herself out because I'm really happy for all my 'friends')

Now anytime now I'm expecting a call telling me my cousin is in labor. The cousin who got pregnant in January, the month I wanted to get pregnant in and while I'm really happy for her and can't wait to hold her baby girl, all I can really think is 'Gosh, I wish that were me.'

So now here we are. Waiting for me to ovulate so we can 'get down to business' and I'm just so tired.

And then there is March

March comes along. We are 'just seeing what happens' but wait! I have MANY pregnancy symptoms! I have slight nausea, I have excessive saliva, I have sensitivity to smells, I'm super emotional. .... I MUST BE PREGNANT!!

Mark thinks I'm pregnant. He's pretty positive I am. So here comes time to pee on a stick! We go and buy the super expensive ones and gather 'round the bathroom expecting to see that BIG FAT POSITIVE. .... NOTHING. BIG FAT NEGATIVE. What???!!! That can't be right I was sooooo sure that I was pregnant.

Nope here comes the period.

Now the depression sneaks up.

And the next few months are a bust because I can't get my head back into the 'game.' I am just so sad. And this is a lot harder than we thought it would be.

Catching you up

Since it's been almost a year since we threw out the birth control pills, it might take a few posts to catch everyone up to the present day.

Basically once I stopped the BCP I started taking folic acid in it's place every night. Plus my doctor told me to wait three months or three good periods after we stopped before we actually started trying to make a baby.

I didn't have any problems with the periods and by January 2009 we were ready to 'get busy.' But Mark felt we were going to take the 'let's see what happens' approach. Little did he know I was logging into the Nest.com Getting Pregnant message board. I became fast 'friends' with many of the girls there, where we would share our stories and encourage each other along this frustrating journey of seeking fertilization! :)

So I was chatting away with my new friends and obsessively reading about getting pregnant. I read Getting Pregnant, What to Expect BEFORE You're Expecting, Fertility and Conception, How to Guide to Getting Pregnant. And just because I was becoming obsessed Baby Bargains, Pregnancy Week by Week and What to Expect While You're Expecting. Let's just say I wanted to be prepared! The only thing I didn't read was Taking Charge of Your Fertility. On the GP board this was THE book and I was putting off reading it for some reason.

So while Mark was in his dream world that we were 'just seeing what happens' I was quickly becoming an 'expert' in all things fertility.

And I turned 26

On my 26th birthday last September I had a mini breakdown. I realized that if I was to get pregnant in the upcoming year I would more than likely be 27 before I had a baby. That was not the plan at all! I had always planned to have all my children by the time I turned 30. I wanted 4. Boo.

Life was definitely not going as I had seen it. I had been on birth control pills for a few years by that point. This was the biggest mistake of my life to that point. While on the BCP I slowly watched myself become CRAZY. I screamed and cried at Mark ALL the time. At the lowest point while on the BCP I remember Mark was working for Toyota at the time and I was home alone at night. I was watching Akeela and the Bee and bawling my eyes out! I couldn't get a grip on my emotions AT ALL. I remember having really dark thoughts (like while standing on the washer trying to reach our beach towels, "what would happen if I just threw myself off the washer?" Not really thoughts about killing myself but definite thoughts of death and such) At the time I didn't realize that this was going on but once I stopped the BCP I noticed the lack of these type of thoughts and then realized I was CRAZY!

So in September we decided this is it. We aren't going to renew the prescription. So I finished the pack and threw away the sugar pills and never looked back.

And then the road got a little bumpy.